RANT #345

WROTE THE BEST POST OF MY LIFE AND ACCIDENTLY DELETED IT. WHY AM I TALKING IN ALL CAPS.

I wrote the last post in a matter of minutes so I am not sure how well it came out

Opening a Locked box After Loosing the Key.

I wouldn’t say I was closed off person, rather, I am very selective in what I choose to tell other people. I tend to use the past as a justification for this, because it will always validate the reasons I choose to keep my life a mystery. you cannot blame your past for who you are, for what you choose to explain to others. I have spent my whole naive life justifying my actions based on things I was in no control over in my life. Many close friends, and some brand new friends have recently started helping me out of my shell. As slowly as this process might be, I truly believe it will help me fully develop into the person that I should be.

There has always been this large barrier between who I am currently, and who I have the potential to be. I have unreal ambitions, but I need to start doing less talk and more action. I need to be a strong and confident person I know I can be. At this point in my life the only person stopping me from my dreams, is myself, and trust me on this, I can be a real downer.

So here is a message to myself, and to anyone who constantly relies on using the past as some sort of excuse for not living out their life with full potential:

GET OVER IT.

I mean this in the most positive way of course, as everyone’s journey through life is seemingly different and does have some reflection on their personality. Humans only live one life (depending on your differing views on the meaning of life and re-incarnation) and we shouldn’t be bound by cultural norms to leave everything in the closet so to speak. I will try and speak of my past from now on as a gift, however torturous, as it has led me to my future career path. One’s past does not need to be a negative reflection on them but, instead, a path that leads them to where they were meant to be.

The Future Freaks Me Out

For the last few years of my college career I have been desperately ambitious, knowing exactly what I want to accomplish, and slowly finding my way there. This is the farthest I have ever come in reaching my dreams, and I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t ecstatic. But for the first time I am scared, like terrified. Once I step foot in Rwanda this August I will fully know whether or not it is right for me. So, what if I get there and absolutely hate it?Then will leaving fashion school, a multitude of failed relationships, and disparities within my family have been worth it? I have spent the last four years pining after this idea that this one place in the world is meant for me, so what happens if it is not?

I think this is what all of us twenty-somethings face (of course not as many face it on the same level). We all go to university, pick some obscure major, and make a map in our head as to where it will lead us. And to be perfectly honest, it rarely leads us the place we imagine. How many art history majors actually do something in their field? How many liberal arts majors actually find more then a minimum wage job these days? I am not devaluing education by all means, I am just saying as flawed human beings things don’t always work out the way we intend them to. 

So, maybe I will go to Africa and I will hate it. Or maybe, just maybe, I will finally feel at home and at peace, and I will know all the hard work I have put into this was worth it… and even if it isn’t, well then I still get to go to Africa, come on!

modern day terrorism

Since the end of last semester the girl that lives next door to me has been verbally harassing me. Not in the “oh man someone should call the police” way, but in the “this is really annoying I wish she would leave me alone” way. Just for a proper backstory this girl is scary, she towers over me and closely resembles a quarterback or pro-wrestler. Her favorite hobbies include calling me rude and often profane names as I walk by her room, talking about me from her room, and staring me down in the bathroom. Her all time favorite thing however, is to send and place threatening anonymous letters under my door. that being said, when I returned to my dorm this thursday, this letter was waiting for me:

“Listen B****,

Keep running your mouth and there will be problems. I suggest you shut your f***ing mouth.

K Thanks”

Another important thing to consider is the fact that I have never talked to her, not once in my life. My roommate, however, has. Since she confronted this very un-kind person next door everything has been fine between them. Which leads me to believe that all i need to do is confront her. But for whatever reason I can’t.

Now, its not like I am some loser who doesn’t communicate with people, on the contrary I am always busy. I am truly going places, and I know not everyone in life can say that. But still, I am lacking something fundamentally important for all human beings. I think that thing is self confidence. I take pride in the way I dress, I know how smart I am, and I know my future is looking pretty bright as long as a stay focused. With all this, I still feel the non-relenting power of people judging me. I guess this is what comes out of having a mother who feels the constant need to ignore me. Or perhaps it comes from the fact that the only man(he is much more of a boy in my opinion) I ever loved for three years intentionally dumped me for a girl he considered more beautiful and his type. It is no wonder I have a lack of confidence. And where do people find this confidence, anyway? I go to the gym three to five times a week, and trust me the people there have about the same confidence as I do. I feel as though self confidence is not something you get from taking a Zumba class or by reading a couple self help books. 

I thought for a long time that self confidence came out of having a significant other or by being super thin. Maybe I am growing up, or maybe I refuse to believe my happiness has to rely upon another person, but I now know that self confidence does not come from anything other then myself. 

However one obtains self confidence, it is beyond time for me to get a slice of it. Until I have it, that serpent next door will forever win this war.